I feel fortunate to be in isolation with the people I am. I mean, it would be better if everyone could make his own dinner, wipe his own butt, and put himself to bed. But outside of that, I am lucky. My husband Ben (who does all of the above on his own quite well) is, and always has been, a full-fledged partner in parenting. This past Sunday, among other things, he emptied and refilled the dishwasher, did two loads of laundry and made the kids breakfast, all before I got out of bed.

I’m not showing off… I just know he is going to read this, so I have to do all of the well-deserved credit-giving upfront. Because what I really want to talk about is how hard it is for an organized person to live with someone who is… shall we say… not AS organized.*

Note: Ben isn’t even a disorganized person, it’s just all relative.

Sharing space: a case study

My husband Ben and I have different ideas of what organized means. I will use his desk as an example, not to single him out, but because here we are at home - with no place else to go - and his desk to look at, all day every day. It’s a weird little nook that is actually meant to be a vanity area, between our bedroom and bathroom. But it’s his weird little nook… that I have to see all the time.

Perspective

When Ben looks at his desk, he sees a surface that holds his stuff and it all looks pretty fine and orderly to him. When I look at his desk (which I walk by every time I go to the bathroom), I see toiletries that should be in the bathroom, receipts that should be thrown away, and loose cords that don’t connect to anything on either end.

Is my perspective right and his wrong? Yes, of course! Just kidding. They’re both fine. It’s about tolerance and comfort-level. And ours are just different. BUT we live together and share the room where his little tiny desk lives. So we need to figure something out. This is marriage at its best.

Compromise

It took many asks to get to organizing his desk. He, like many of my clients before him, insisted he would do it himself. But I know people and I know that it is hard and they very likely won’t do it themselves, which is why I have a job. After months of casually offering to help and other fun conversations, he finally agreed to go through it together, because now that he’s stuck at home, he needs this space to be usable.

The only way this project and some kind of results are going to work are through compromise. I need to accept that his desk will never look like mine. And he needs to accept that he lives with someone who doesn’t work as a professional organizer by accident.

We literally and figuratively sort through what this means for each of us.

Baseline

Whether it is done through conversation or just an unspoken understanding, everyone must accept the other person’s baseline.

How much mess can she handle?
How much sorting through stuff can he handle?

And ask yourselves why this all matters anyway. During these at-home days, we have to share the space and everyone needs to be okay with whatever form that takes.

Ben’s baseline for his desk is that it remains just that: his. And with that, he controls what goes on there and where they go.

My baseline for his desk is that it have some systems, so I know that it won’t just turn into an unsightly pile that gives me panic attacks as the days turn into weeks and so on.

Systems

The easiest way to tackle a shared space is to have systems in place. This means that everything has a home. For Ben’s desk we used:

desk trays
pencil holders
cord containers

Once that is setup, know what is assigned to what space.

Bonus tip: one of the drawers in the desk pictured is solely for “memorabilia.” This is a great solution for stopping the back and forths like “do you really need to keep the ticket stub from the football game you saw 3 years ago?” He has a guilt-free place to shove stuff (and I never have to see it).

Maintenance

The thing about systems is that once they are set up, maintenance is a breeze.

The best tip I can give you for maintaining a shared space is to set up a maintenance plan in advance. This may sound over-the-top, but it works. Set a time that you will check in on shared spaces, for example, the first Sunday of every month. That way, no one has to nag anyone about said maintenance.

The bottom line: This is a very common and unfortunately never-ending issue for lots of couples. I very rarely meet two organized people under one roof. It is an ongoing conversation and takes practice. You may not solve this issue before we are released into the world again, but you can certainly get a kick start on it. And while you’re at it, make your together-all-the-time time that much more enjoyable.

Co-isolating